Thank You For Your Submission
by MrFredCDobbs
Summary: Everyone on the Normandy SR-2 is an aspiring author but only one of them is having any luck finding a publisher. A short, one-shot humor piece set during Mass Effect 2.


**To:** ThatzMissBoshtet2U

**From:** Maroon Sea Publishing Submissions Dept.

Thank you for your submission of _"Written on the Solar Wind."_ We regret to say that we cannot accept your manuscript. While the market for inter-species romance tales remains strong and you clearly put a great deal of effort into the love scenes, your manuscript would not pass vetting by our lawyers due to copyright issues. The underlying story is too similar to the script for Fleet & Flotilla and the producers of that vid would be certain to litigate if we published. You barely even changed the names of the main characters, making Shalei "Shali" and Bellicus "Garricus."

Should you come up with a more original storyline involving these characters, we would be happy to consider the new manuscript.

* * *

**To:** ScientistSal

**From:** Maroon Sea Publishing Submissions Dept.

Thank you for your submission of _"Secret Files of the Special Tasks Group."_ We regret to say that we cannot accept your manuscript. There is a market for such espionage tales on Sur'Kesh and the salarian colonies and your submission is an inventive and unusual variation on the genre. However there is a significant problem with the hero of your tale. Obviously, the character would have to be an STG agent and making him also one of the greatest scientists in the entire history of the salarian race certainly does set him apart from the protagonists in most other spy novels. However making your hero, "Kordin Kolus," also the best friend of the Council's toughest Spectre agent *and* the galaxy's greatest musical theater star *and* the most intensely sought-after bachelor across all known species in the galaxy simply pushes things beyond what readers could realistically be expected to accept.

Should you come up with a more plausible take on your hero, we would be happy to consider the revised manuscript.

* * *

**To:** CheckOutDezAbs

**From:** Maroon Sea Publishing Submissions Dept.

Thank you for your submission of _"The Man I Thought I Knew."_ We regret to say that we cannot accept your manuscript. It's not a matter of the quality of the writing. Rather, the market for memoirs in which children detail difficult relationships with their father has been absolutely flooded with new entries in the last year and we are hesitant to take a gamble in such an over-saturated market. Just this morning, we had to reject two otherwise compelling manuscripts, _"Kalahira Was His True Love: My Father, The Assassin"_ and _"Not Your Perfect Girl After All."_

Should you wait a few years and re-submit the manuscript when the current glut subsides, we would be happy to reconsider it.

* * *

**To:** UrdnotRulz

**From:** Maroon Sea Publishing Submissions Dept.

Thank you for your submission of _"Aged Human and the Salt-Infused Water."_ We regret to say that we cannot accept your manuscript. While we find the premise of human author Ernest Hemingway's _"Old Man and the Sea"_ re-told from the perspective of the sharks intriguing, the manuscript as submitted simply does not meet our minimum standards for quality. Your attempt to limit the story almost exclusively to action results in a narrative that is not strong enough and fails to sufficiently delve into the sharks' motivations. And while we believe the inclusion of the prehistoric earth shark megalodon does add an interesting twist to the concluding chapter, the presence of the other dinosaurs is awkward and forced.

Should you come up with a rewritten version that addresses these concerns, we would be happy to consider the revised manuscript.

* * *

**To:** Bi8ticGoddezz

**From:** Maroon Sea Publishing Submissions Dept.

Thank you for your submission of _"Ink, Scars & Rage."_ We regret to say that we cannot accept your manuscript. The unfortunate fact is that poetry collections are a tough sell under the best of conditions. The only collections that have even dented the galaxy's sales charts in recent years have been from individuals who were already a celebrity in other media, such as Blasto's _"This One Enkindles For All The Females."_ And, truth be told, even if you did have sufficient celebrity status, your avante-guard approach to the form, consistently profane language and repeated use of revenge as a theme would present a serious problem from a marketing standpoint. For example, the sheer amount of scatological language used in "Ode To A Cheerleader" ruins what is an otherwise fascinating character study.

Should you come up with a more accessible approach to the poetic form, we would be happy to consider the revised manuscript.

* * *

**To:** LastLaughMoreau

**From:** Maroon Sea Publishing Submissions Dept.

Thank you for your submission of _"Will Save The Galaxy For Custom Leather Seats."_ We regret to say that we cannot accept your manuscript. Your collection recycles too many familiar jokes and humorous anecdotes that have been compiled in previous humor anthologies and the newer material you have included does not meet our standards for quality.

We do see one bright spot in your submission however and encourage you to expand on it. It's the chapter titled, "You Know, I Never Asked For A Co-Pilot." We're not sure why you use the abstract metaphor of a chess piece of all things to represent the female perspective but the result is original, insightful and often hilarious. You did an outstanding job of presenting the narrator's longing for a romantic and even erotic relationship with his supposed antagonist and doing so in a way that is both cleverly buried in the subtext yet also unmistakably apparent to the reader.

Should you be able to extend this chapter into a full-length book, we would be happy to consider the manuscript.

* * *

**To:** CatchMeIfYouCanJondumBau

**From:** Maroon Sea Publishing Submissions Dept.

Regarding your submission of _"9/10ths of the Law,"_ we cannot accept your manuscript. Our research and legal departments have concluded beyond any doubt that the majority of the text is plagiarized from the novel _"Ascension."_ That being the case, publication is out of the question and we will disregard any future submissions from you. At Maroon Sea Publishing we take ethical matters such as the theft of another's work quite seriously.

On an abstract level, we are impressed by the inventiveness and audacity of your attempted deception: choosing a book from a different genre than the one your manuscript is pitched as belonging to, using the fractured timeline narrative conceit to jumble the paragraph order, and changing the gender of the main character, among the other means you employed to obscure your theft. If you had put the same level of effort and ingenuity into creating an original work, it might even have been better than the frankly mediocre novel you tried to steal.

* * *

**To:** OmegasAngel

**From:** Maroon Sea Publishing Submissions Dept.

Thank you for your submission of _"Spirits Guide My Calibrations: The Art of Artillery Maintenance."_ We regret to say that we cannot accept your manuscript. Conceptually we find your submission intriguing. A practical mechanical guide that uses lessons on how heavy cannons need to be maintained as the jumping off point for spiritual and philosophical explorations? ("The cannon does not understand why it fires. It only knows that it must. The true question is, 'Does the person pushing the button understand why they do it?' If not, they are just another part of the cannon.") That is not something we have seen before and originality counts for a lot in the publishing business. However the premise simply does not sustain interest after a few chapters. The main problem is that you do not ever present a firm definition of your "calibrationist" philosophy. With each chapter, you alter the definition slightly and over the course of the text these continual adjustments make the book tedious.

Should you rethink and reframe your approach, we would be happy to consider the revised manuscript.

* * *

**To:** BluSunOG

**From:** Maroon Sea Publishing Submissions Dept.

Thank you for your submission of _"Travels With Jessie."_ We regret to say that we cannot accept your manuscript. The anecdotes are rambling, unfocused and far too often end with the narrator-protagonist as the only survivor. Another problem is that too much of the text is given over the author's fractured relationship with one-time friend Vido. The concluding chapter where the narrator claims to have burned him alive is presented as a moment triumphant uplift but simply does not read that way.

A member of the submissions department did try the souffle recipe found in Chapter 10 on a whim and the entire department agreed that the result was delicious. We recommend you consider compiling other recipes and submitting a deserts cookbook.

* * *

**To:** DocHacksaw

**From:** Maroon Sea Publishing Submissions Dept.

Thank you for your submission of _"You Can't Regret It If You Don't Remember It: A Medical Doctor Looks At Hangovers."_ We regret to inform you that we will not be able to accept your manuscript. While our own in-house medical consultant tells us you have done a considerable amount of original and highly innovative research, we feel the scientific sections of the book are too dense for the general readership while your anecdote-laden approach renders it too personal to be presented as a scientific text.

Should you settle on a specific approach we would be happy to consider the revised text.

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**To:** EfficientUserName

**From:** Maroon Sea Publishing Submissions Dept.

Thank you for your submission of _"We Are Many Yet Alone."_ We found your submitted manuscript to be whimsical, compelling and wholly original. Maroon Sea Publishing would be thrilled to add it to its roster. We can confidently say your combination of novel, travelogue, philosophical treatise and observational humor is unlike anything we have seen in decades and that with the proper promotion it could become a sleeper hit next year. One issue we must address however is that the manuscript has 1,183 listed co-authors. We assume this is not meant to be taken seriously and is just part of the manuscript's forays into absurdist humor. Nevertheless, our legal department insists that this matter must be cleared up before we can publish as it would present unique issues relating to ownership and royalties.

Thank you again for your submission. Maroon Sea Publishing looks forward to a fruitful partnership.

-The End-

_[Special thanks to Magpie Corvidae for beta-ing this short story. Any jokes that bomb are entirely my fault.]_


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